Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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