After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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