My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
