I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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