did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
