I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
