The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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