the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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