I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
