someone threw a dead crab at me
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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