my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
