dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
