soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
