I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
