it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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