How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
