if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
