Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
