he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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