started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
