I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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