I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
