He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
