I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
