hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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