Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
