There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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