He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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