my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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