so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
