She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
