if you like me you must not know who I am
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
