Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
