Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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