You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
