You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
