i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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