when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
