Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
