Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
