The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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