So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
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I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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