I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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