fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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