I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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