You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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