I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
