hotel room ftw
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
