I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
