are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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