Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
