You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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