I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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