What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
